by: Wayne and Tamara
Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 6, 2003
What can a couple say and do when they have been late in getting wedding thank yous out to people? We have been married two years, with two separations among other serious challenges, and finally want to send cards.
At the same time we are embarrassed about our difficulties in marriage and getting out the cards. One of the problems is my wife's response when I asked if she would like to do this project together. She told me we have more important things to work on and even said, "They are mostly your friends. You can do them yourself!"
The cards are only the tip of the iceberg as far as our problems go. I wish I could hear some kind of answer from her like, "Yes, honey, why don't we?" Part of me feels like doing them myself and signing my name only because I thought wives were supposed to take care of this.
Ladd, the new year is a time for new beginnings. Do it! Get enough stamps, write the cards all at once, and mail them before you lose your nerve. Nearly everyone appreciates a heartfelt apology, and during the holiday season nearly everyone is in a good mood.
Spend a few moments to rough out the message. A thank you coupled with a simple statement of regret for waiting so long is enough. You might say better late than never, or you might mention you've often thought of their gift and realized they haven't been thanked. If you remember what they gave, mention it. If not, don't worry about it. Use whatever expression comes naturally.
You never have to apologize for your own marital challenges. They are your business and no one else's. Don't worry about how people will take your thank you notes. Almost everyone will think well of you for having the courage to act.
This issue is bothering you. Evidently it doesn't bother your wife. Since the doing is to satisfy you, her participation is not required. Don't let the little negative voice within you make you fail to act just because she is unwilling to act.
Sign both names to the cards. The gift givers are not part of that problem. The point is to thank them. Once you get past this burden, you can look at other problems in your relationship. Perhaps this is your inner nature saying, With a little effort I can solve the problems which are weighing on me.
Wayne & Tamara
Terms Of Endearment
Without typing a page on how faithful I am, let me just say I love my wife very much. However, I am not sure if she has feelings for another man. In three years of marriage this thought never occurred to me before.
Recently we moved and transferred jobs. We both work long hours. Whenever I called her at work or she called me, she always called me honey or anything but my first name. Since we've been together it's always been this way when we talk on the telephone. Until now. Now she calls me Stan when a certain male coworker of hers is near.
I guess the reason I realized this is because it sounded so strange to hear. I am not the jealous type but this has me wondering. Am I reading too much into this? I have not noticed any other change in her whatsoever.
Stan, next time you talk to your wife at work and she calls you by name, try this. Tell her you are feeling the need for a little reassurance. Ask her to tell you she loves you, and ask her, for your peace of mind, to call you darling.
If she refuses or jokes her way out of your request, tell her when she gets home you would like to discuss something that's been on your mind.