The Power of Imagination
by Adam W. Hansen
Having spent the entire summer averaging 1 hour of sleep every 3 days, my mind was beginning to warp. My normally overactive imagination was losing control; I was beginning to see demons, angels, monsters, spirits, and various other hallucinations. Paranoia began to set in as I kept seeing Cerberus in the corner of my eyes, ready to maul my soul and drag me into the depths of the ever burning hell. Videogames I once enjoyed were hell; Dante would jump from my TV and swing Sparda at my throat, Samus would launch missiles at my mind to shatter what little sanity I had left, Mario would rape me in my nightmares; my hallucinations had taken over…my conscious mind had fallen to the imagination. The sleep deprivation had weakened me too much.
While these occurred, I was trying to hold onto a job at Taco Bell. My performance was horrible. I would spend half of my time on the job sleeping in the cold storage and freezer because the hallucinations didn’t follow me into the cold, after all, how could demons from hell withstand such extremities? The customers in drive thru would swollow my mind and being, yelling curses from Lucifer’s own tongue as I stumbled to get their change and hot sauce. My mind was shattered, I’m amazed I held that job for the three months before quitting. I quit several days before my birthday, not even knowing it was my birthday.
My birthday, August 17, just several days away with school beginning 2 weeks latter, I decided to tell one of my friends about these problems. The whole time I was with her, clowns were telling me to kill myself; I hadn’t slept in 5 days, I must have looked like I was on heroin. Thoughts shot through my head about how I would tell her; somehow, I deluded myself into believing I loved her. For a good hour while hanging out with her, I was just imagining holding her in my arms after saving her from the hallucinations that were after me. I eventually passed out near her: one dream stuck out, a butterfly landed on my shoulder, spoke one word into my ear, “Life.” At that, I awoke, told her about the hallucinations, and the night ended.
I woke up the morning of Aug 17, my parents on vacation in Hawaii, and my mind completely fucked, despite four straight days of sleep. The hallucinations were minor that day, and I was able to convince my friends to join me for the day. We sat around my house watching a movie and drinking some wine, (a bottle for myself, a few small cups for each of them). I felt like a God that day; I believed I was God…I WAS God. I created a new world that day! Not a physical world, but in my mind, I created a second world. In my world, I reign supreme over all; the depression of life, the rejection, the hatred, the lack of guidance…the lack of love…it all ceased in my world. My mind had the strength to imagine everything. I built a universe in minutes, I imagined the specifics of hundreds of the inhabitants. I imagined MY new life.
I was 36, married when I was 26, my son was 8, my daughter 6. I had a steady savings from some nice real estate deals and retired very early. I’d go to a friends office and help him out for free for 7 hours in the morning, then get home just in time to meet my kids from school. I’d play catch with my son and watch some sports; then I’d dance with my daughter. After the evening’s happenings, I’d go to bed with my wife, occasionally holding her as I fall to sleep; occasionally making love to her. In reality, the first quarter of school was passing; the school was the friend’s office, the son and daughter, I’d ‘talk’ to them while doing activities when the room contained only myself. My parents somehow thought nothing of it and didn’t seek help.
At school, I was barely maintaining a C average; I test in the top 1% of the nation, yet I was barely capable of getting an average grade. I don’t remember a single event from first quarter of this school year.
Second quarter was better, I was now averaging roughly 3 hours of sleep a night, the world I had created in my mind was slowly fading. I was still not in touch with reality though. Everyone was like an empty shell to me. I felt no soul in anyone…we were all robots. The butterfly now whispered death rather than life; with the eventual end of the hallucinations as sleep fully normalized, I was left with a massive depression.
Believing one’s self to be a God in human form causes loneliness to approach when the realization that no other gods exist. I was the king of man, yet none were worthy to bathe in my sight. I felt like murdering everyone, they were dogs of no value to me or my godly blood. Myself though…an immortal among these fools, what joy was there to love amongst such worthless beings? I was sad…I had no love, no equals; everything was fake. All that I held to be truth was my right as God, which brought more tears than joy. I wanted to end my life with every last longing of my thoughts. I would have done it had I thought I COULD die. I was deluded…I even requested that people call me Thor or Odin. At least I think I did.
This delusion came to a crashing halt when reality hit my eyes just for a second. The image of God shattered. My mind was destroyed, the last bit of truth I held was a lie. Death crept over me, all I could see was death. Everyone dying, guns, AIDS, cancer, cars, age, drugs, fires! My eyes burnt with the pain of thousands of deaths every hour. For several days all I saw was death, I cried myself to sleep every night of that week or so. Eventually, even this image faded.
For the next month, everything just seemed fake. There was no absolute truth, no objectivity, no purpose; but also no reason to die. I had no joy, no pain; I was emotionless. I became heartless and selfish, satisfying only my wants and needs. This was to change several weeks ago, however.
Nine months after my mind began to fuck itself over, I was an empty man. Then, for next to no reason at all, I quit smoking, I quit drinking, and I started to care…I started to see that I needed to seek love rather than temporary drug use to fill the void in my heart. Oh to the heavens! I rejoiced that day! I had finally found purpose to live! A couple weeks passed.
Now, just two weeks previous to this day, March 2nd, 2004, I saw what set me straight. Sitting before me was a beautiful girl. Her eyes were entrancing; it was like staring into the clear night sky and losing time itself. Death was no more, only life existed. Death was life, life was life! There is no sorrow, just experience. Her eyes, they shined like diamonds; magnificent pearls of the ancient sees, windows into the soul of a goddess! Ah, the search for an equal found to be productive only once the image of god was no longer! There walked other gods amongst the mortals…my search was not in vain. This one goddess gave me the hope to seek out others, to seek out an equal who has not found their own…to seek out love in its purest. I wish to see the eyes of a goddess who seeks the eyes of a god, so we may stare into the depths of eternity; glare at the stars in our eyes as they behold the secrets of the universe! Oh! To love IS to live! My mind is clear again, the hallucinations are gone, my soul rejoices for there are loves to find.