File Name      : BIGFOOT.ASC      |  Online Date     :  06/09/95          |
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              The following claims to be a Bigfoot ‘confession’.
220 13308 <[email protected]> article
Path: ix.netcom.com!noc.netcom.net!news.sprintlink.net!gatech!news.Gsu.EDU
From: [email protected] (Malinda McCall)
Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet
Subject: ABOI: Bigfoot Impersonation Figure (B.I.F.)
Followup-To: alt.shenanigans
Date: 17 May 1995 19:53:36 GMT
Organization: Emory University
Lines: 138
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
References: <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected]
NNTP-Posting-Host: curly.cc.emory.edu
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SWAN ([email protected]) wrote:

: I used to think that maybe, just maybe, there was something more to
: Bigfoot than just legend.  After this shen, however, I think the folks
: who claim to have sighted Bigfoot might want to ask themselves if they
: were just the victims of a very clever hoax.

: I used to live in a medium-sized town in Illinois (pop. < 48,000), hemmed
: in by the Mississippi River on its western border and other towns and
: endless cornfields everywhere else.  It is the fields where this story
: takes place.

: One night a high school buddy of mine, after a marathon session of computer
: gaming, revealed a secret he had been carrying with him about a group of
: guys we both knew and hung out with regularly.  They went to our high
: school but lived in the more rural section of the county, where the roads
: began to transform themselves into highways and the fenced backyards gave
: way to vast stretches of overgrown, grassy lands.

: It seemed that the brains of this operation, one year my senior and an
: accomplished artist, had sewn together a large, furry, dark brown suit,
: and had created his very own latex mask endowed with a pronounced brow.
: When the weekend evenings rolled around, another (very tall) accomplice
: put on the suit and lingered near the side of a nearby highway, waiting
: for a car to come by.  When it would be just within headlight range,
: “Tim” would lumber across the street and disappear into the tall blades
: of grass.  The reactions that followed were always priceless.

: The night I actually got to accompany the guys on a Bigfoot
: Impersonation Figure (B.I.F.) was the last time the shen was ever pulled,
: but boy, what a glorious night it was.  🙂

: “Tim” was sick, so “Jeff” was the one who got the honor of being B.I.F.
: for a night.  After he suited up and we headed toward the highway, I
: remember catching a glimpse of him silhouetted against the moon.  For
: just a brief moment, he really did look like the legendary Bigfoot.  My
: heart was thumping continuously, and I was nervous and shaking — not
: from fear, just the sheer thrill of what we were doing.

: There were about four or five of us scattered along the side of the road,
: concealed from view by the tall grass, weeds, and bushes that lined the
: gravelly edge of the pavement.  “Jeff” had been instructed to wait on the
: other side until a car came into view (traffic was very, very sparse at
: this time of night, so sometimes we did a lot of waiting).  When the
: headlights came, it was showtime.

: The first car was an older red convertible with about 4 or 5 teenagers which
: came barrelling down the highway.  B.I.F. cut across the road just inside
: headlight range and vanished into the field.  The car slowed promptly,
: and we heard a male voice shout “What the FUCK was that?!?”  The car
: drifted by slowly and another voice yelled “Turn around, turn around!”
: The convertible made a U-turn at a nearby intersection and cruised by
: slowly.  They made one more U-turn, drove past the field once again, and
: continued on into the darkness.  We were shuddering with laughter as we
: crouched down amongst the grass.

: The next car, on seeing B.I.F., slowed down, paused for a moment on the
: shoulder, then continued on its way.  Good for a chuckle, anyway.

: The next car slammed on its brakes as B.I.F. wandered into the road.
: “Jeff” hurriedly staggered into the brush, looking fearfully back toward
: the car.  He REALLY looked like a frightened beast, I imagine because
: there was very little pretending involved here!  The car cut across the
: road, angling toward the field, shining its headlights into the space
: where B.I.F. disappeared, a few yards away from where we were.  It sat that
: way for a few minutes until another car came down the road, and he had to
: move out of the way.  It was frightening having the headlights shine so
: close to us but it was exhilerating being able to laugh out loud when the
: driver finally moved on.

: A few more cars came down the road, with similar results.  Finally,
: B.I.F. wandered in front of a small, dark green station wagon.  The
: driver immediately pulled over to our side of the road.  I heard a door
: fling open and a voice shout “County police!  County police!”

: Now at this point, hearing this word, I thought this guy WAS the police,
: and I started shaking in earnest.  “Jeff” made a mad dash through the
: field, discarding his mask in the process, and we didn’t see him again
: until much later.

: Then I heard a radio crackle, and he continued:  “I have just seen a
: large, hairy creature, a Bigfoot, I swear to God!  It was a Bigfoot, I
: swear to God!”

: It wasn’t the police after all.  The relief was almost our undoing. I was
: trying so hard not to laugh, as were my friends lying next to me, but we
: couldn’t control it.  “Chad” snickered quietly, and then the rest of us
: followed suit.  A series of “shush” warnings followed.  The frantic man
: continued, telling the dispatcher his location and punctuating every
: sentence with “I swear to God,” unaware that we were about fifteen feet
: from his door trying not to piss our pants.

: And when he was done reporting his sighting, and the dispatcher promised
: that a patrol car would be sent to his location, the guy sat there.

: We were stuck.  If we stood up, he’d see us, and if we tried to crawl
: away, the movement in the grass would give us away.  We were a bunch of
: scared 17-year olds, unsure what we were going to do with the police on
: way, but boy, what a rush.

: Fortunately we *did* get away, after crawling slowly back away from the road
: and then sprinting toward the residential area.  The guy could have seen
: us, I don’t know; at that time I certainly didn’t care.

: After a rendezvous at “Jeff”‘s house we had a good long laugh, then
: decided to drive by the site.  Lo and behold, three police cruisers sat
: idling by the road, and the officers had the dogs there and everything.
: The guy who called in the report looked very much like a scared kid of
: about 19 or 20, with wide eyes and tousled hair.  What really got our
: attention, though, were the shiny black shotguns.

: “Jesus,” “Jeff” remarked, “I coulda been blown in half.”

: We headed toward town, about ten miles away, and stopped into a
: Hardee’s.  While I was grabbing some ketchup, two police officers came
: up next to me — and they were talking about the sighting, one of them
: saying it was “some crazy guy out there who puts on a fur suit — but you
: never know.”  Oh, man, if they only knew how close they were to the
: perpetrators…. 🙂

: Well, it made the papers a few weeks later, after another woman reported
: being startled by a “gorilla” in the area.  It was speculated in the
: article that police believed the gorilla was “a prankster, and a clever
: one at that.  It eluded capture even after darting in front of a Rock
: Island County patrol car…” (which I guess happened one of the nights
: before I joined B.I.F.).  We believe she had made the story up, since
: B.I.F. had been retired the moment we saw the shotguns.  Still, it was
: nice that the media paid attention!

: These days, Americans are less skeptical than ever about such creatures
: — witness the number of tabloid shows, dramas, and documentaries which
: offer compelling evidence of the existence of strange phenomena.  If you
: wanted to pull off a stunt like this, chances are you’d made a believer
: out of someone.

: Until the next time, watch the road carefully, and remember to use your
: brights.