My Presidential predictions
Normally, clairvoyance and future-see are not very accurate – it is not an exact science. From the Delphi through Nostradamus, mankind has always sought to foresee events yet to be.
Whether to prevent tragedy or to seek glory and fame, the ability to predict the future has been one of man”s greatest quests.
With fasting, meditation, special preparations, and or a special gift, prediction has never been completely accurate, or remotely close.
I stand before you to predict the future, for in all certainly; these things shall come to pass. My wife tells me not to even bother. She cites one too many glasses of wine have clouded my vision and disturbed my senses. She speaks the truth, but, I still want to give it a try. Here is my future-see.
George Bush celebrated his 10th reelection in a row. His two daughters are still joint co-regents. Bush”s grandson, heir apparent to the presidency, has just graduated from Harvard after two successful semesters. The young man was presented with a hand gun and is now serving his patriotic duty in the Texas unorganized Militia. Without any pay records, he can not be accused of being absent without leave.
The George Bush Sr. Memorial Institute announced that it had developed the new Voter Proxy Electoral computer. The institute stated in a news release than a complete election with presidential election outcome can be accomplished in less than 4.5 seconds. This is one second faster than other previous computer systems. We must also stress that your vote does matter and is completely counted.
The first amendment had been repealed and the second amendment is now the first amendment. Freedom of Speech which was afforded under the old first amendment now comes under the auspices of Homeland Security. To be able to say anything about the government, one must first apply for a permit to do so, and complete the required 100 year waiting period.
The United States is also celebrating the 36th anniversary of the democratic vote to suspend the democratic vote. Said Bush, “this landmark vote, proves beyond a doubt that democracy does work”. A bill to reintroduce the Bill of Rights died on the floor today due to a complete lack of voting participants. Political analysts were confident in the bill”s passage had there been a congress. El Presidente for Life Bush, stated he would have considered signing the bill IF it had made it to his desk.
Bush, also through democratic process, has now up”d the prison term for not owning a gun. Bush raised the prison sentence to 7 + years, up from the previous 5 years sentence. The White House said, in a press interview, “Damnit, these people are going to learn the hard way that they have to purchase and carry a gun or they will not be able to fight a tyrant government that might take over this country”. Colt Firearms stock jump 150 points just after the announcement.
France today issued a strongly worded apology, signed an unconditional surrender, and sued for peace just after a French citizen was overheard saying that the US did not have affordable health insurance. Dick Cheney III, a high ranking Capo in the Cheney-Halliburton family, in a press conference said “These shit heads had better start telling the truth about America. Donald Rumsfeld III, showed the press corps that a single individual, making less than $20,000.00 per year could purchase a nationally recognized health insurance policy for a mere $10,000.00 per month. The policy is only valid if a person has terminal nose and ear hair.
The CIA announced that its actions cannot be compared to the actions of the Gestapo, nor the KGB. Despite a change in their charter that allows the CIA to now arrest and confine indefinably, enemies, real or imaginary, in resettlement camps. The CIA was emphatic in pointing that the CIA is American and that is the major difference. The agency also announced the opening of their new 175,000 acre Patriotism Realignment center for detainees. This is the 6th such camp to open up. Detained individuals spend their days either learning patriotism or taking that final last shower.
The John Ashcroft Institute for excellence in Education has combined Social Studies, Political Science and History into one single study program – Bushtory. Teachers will be teaching students that the two party systems were fraught with corruption, deceit and mismanagement. A single party system has removed the corruption and replaced it with graft. The words Democrats, liberal, and social programs are being removed from the English language. Also, in other news, it was announced that all kindergarten, grade school, high school and college applicants must be a card carrying Republican Party member.
American armed forces have begun amassing near the artic region. Information gained indicates that there might possibly be weapons of mass destruction located somewhere. National Security stated their covert agent, Tarot Cards, had overheard a conversation referencing something about “tons”. A Declaration of War will be signed by the Bush daughters functioning as co-regents. One of the Bush daughters was quoted as saying “Oh wow, I mean, like I”ve never done this, you know, I mean yes way, like this is going to be fun. You know what I mean?”.
Scientists at 4 leading universities have identified post traumatic denouncement syndrome. Students are now required to denounce their parents publicly only three times a week rather than the previous requirement of five times per week.
Self deluded jubilation rose from out of all gun stores today when Bush signed into law making it official that the National Rifle Association is America”s first national religion. The 3 million strong NRA membership choir joined in song “Nearer my gun to thee”.
First Lady for Life, Laura Bush, had her husband”s linage traced back and she announce that George W. Bush is a direct descendent of God. The Vatican, hesitant to make any statement regarding the announcement, quickly issued a Papal Decree just as they saw 12 F-16″s coming towards it, each carrying a full bomb load.
If Bush is reelected, trust that my predictions will come true. Until then, the world waits with bated breath, whispering the words “Oh, Shi*”.