Dispelling dangers of the Ouija Board

The following is a ritual I have found very useful in dispelling the dangers of Ouija boards.

For this one, you will need the following:

an altar, a Plastic Jesus, a Plastic Elvis, a green candle, a concrete yard gnome, your Blessed Bic, and a pre-consecrated waste paper basket (trash can)

Place the Ouija board on the altar and anoint with a few drops of salt water before casting your circle. When casting your circle, use the Plastic Jesus in the North to symbolize Air, the Concrete Yard Gnome to the East as Earth, the Plastic Elvis in the West to symbolize Fire, and the green candle in the South as the element of Water, recently polluted by your local High Holy Sewage Treatment Plant.

Begin the ritual with the following chant:

Great Goddess of Common Sense, I invoke Thee in thy form of Minerva.
Help me dispel the danger of this Ouija board.
Great God of Basic Intelligence, I invoke Thee in thy form of Elvis.
(This should be addressed to the West, and be accompanied by a leer and a few ritual pelvic rotations.) Help me dispel the danger of this Ouija board.

The rest is simple:

Use your Blessed Bic to light the green candle, then use the green candle to ignite the Ouija board. Make sure to hold it over the trash can as it’s burning, so you won’t have to vacuum the ashes out of your carpet later. When it has been reduced to fragments and ashes, place the remains in a pre-blessed trash bag, which should be left as an offering to the Great Spirits of the Sanitation Department.